When Religion and God Become Intertwined
Over the past few years, I’ve seen more and more conversations about people leaving their religion and “deprogramming.” I listen and often wonder what happens to their relationship with God once they leave their church or religious system. They may be seeking the freedom I was, but in a different place. Non-religious people may not understand that question, and many religious groups may be puzzled by it as well, because both often equate religion and faith as the same thing.
But over the years of having a relationship with God, I learned something important: leaving a religion does not necessarily mean leaving God. Finding freedom in God outside of religion has been life-changing for me.
For some people, leaving religion is abandoning faith entirely. For others, leaving is not about rejecting God at all; it is about removing barriers that stood between them and Him. Many people leaving strict or unhealthy religious environments struggle with religious trauma, fear-based faith, and the question of whether walking away from religion means losing their relationship with God.
That was my experience.
Growing Up With Fear
I grew up in a very rigid religious environment with rules that were extremely restrictive. Since I was five years old, I was immersed in it. I listened to preachers yell from the pulpit, watched people speak in tongues, saw people faint under the power of the Holy Spirit, and witnessed miracles performed in Jesus’ name.
There were beautiful experiences and meaningful moments that I cannot dismiss.
But there was another side too.
I was taught that no matter how well-behaved I was, one mistake could send me to hell. I believed my salvation was always hanging by a thread. I was taught that when God blew the trumpet, only some people would hear it and others—even Christians—could be left behind during the tribulation.
As a little girl, I remember going to sleep every night asking God to please write my name in the Book of Life if it had somehow been erased that day.
If I had an improper thought, made a mistake, or misbehaved, I felt doomed.
I was taught that people who wore certain things, had piercings, tattoos, cut their hair, or did not follow specific standards were destined for eternal separation from God.
Imagine carrying that kind of fear as a child. Imagine the anxiety. Imagine the pressure of believing perfection was the requirement. Eventually, I grew up and realized I was incapable of measuring up to what I thought God expected from me.
So I left church. But I did not leave God!
The Transition: Unlearning and Healing
It took about a year before I decided to visit another church. This one was non-denominational. I started attending regularly, studying the Bible for myself, and slowly unlearning some things I had always accepted as truth.
I realized I had misunderstood things.
I remember feeling shocked and relieved when I learned that much of my relationship with God had been filtered through fear rather than love.
My relationship with God had been filtered through fear rather than love
I recommitted my life to Him and haven’t looked back since. Years later, I can admit that I still carry resentment toward parts of my religious upbringing. But I can also acknowledge the good.
I gained biblical knowledge.
I learned spiritual discipline.
I developed a belief in God early in life.
I cannot dismiss my entire experience.
I just wish there had been more grace and less fear.
Religion Versus Relationship
Let me be clear: my belief in God never changed. My relationship with Jesus remained.
What changed was my understanding. I stopped believing that every rule I had been taught represented God’s heart. I stopped believing that fear was the foundation of faith. I stopped viewing God as someone waiting for me to fail.
Instead, I started understanding His love.
I stopped being anxious every time I heard a trumpet.
I stopped living in fear and began living in freedom.
I still strive to honor God with my life, but now my faith feels rooted in relationship rather than performance.
How Do You Know if a Religious Environment Is Unhealthy?
Not every strict or traditional faith community is unhealthy. Structure itself is not harmful. But sometimes religious environments can become so centered on control, fear, or perfection that they unintentionally create distance between people and God rather than drawing them closer.
Here are some questions worth asking:
- What am I afraid of losing?
- Would I choose these beliefs today if I encountered them for the first time?
- Can leaders be wrong?
- Am I allowed to ask questions?
- Am I free to disagree?
- What happens if someone leaves?
- Do I trust my own judgment and ability to think critically?
And perhaps the biggest question:
Does this environment produce love, peace, and growth, or constant fear, shame, and anxiety?
Changing Beliefs Is Not Betrayal
People often use the word “deprogramming” when discussing religion. In mental health, deprogramming is often associated with helping individuals recover from manipulative or highly controlling environments.
But changing beliefs does not automatically mean rejecting God.
Sometimes it simply means allowing yourself to think critically, learn new information, and ask difficult questions. Leaving physically can be easy. Leaving emotionally can be much harder.
Fear, guilt, identity, and relationships often follow people long after they walk away.
Questioning what you were taught is not always rebellion. Sometimes it is part of healing.
Faith Still Matters
While unhealthy religious experiences can leave deep wounds, faith itself can still be profoundly healing.
Research consistently shows spirituality can positively impact mental health, physical well-being, resilience, and overall outlook on life. Higher spiritual well-being has been linked with lower rates of depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and emotional distress.
Faith provides meaning. It gives hope, and it reminds us that suffering is not the end of our story. Leaving a religious system does not mean abandoning faith. Religion is something people organize. Your faith is personal, and no one can take that away from you.
Finding Peace and Freedom With Where You Came From
As we move on from religious environments that hurt us or disappointed us, it helps to remember something difficult:
- People are human.
- Humans make mistakes.
- Leaders make mistakes.
- Churches make mistakes.
Even people with sincere intentions can teach things that create harm.
It can be painful to realize that people you trusted may have taught things that wounded you. But holding onto anger forever only creates another kind of prison.
That does not mean dismissing your pain, and it does not mean pretending harmful experiences did not happen. It simply means choosing peace over bitterness.
If forgiveness feels complicated after experiencing religious hurt, I wrote more about what forgiveness really means, and what it does not mean, in The Truth About Forgiveness. Forgiveness is not excusing harm or pretending it never happened; sometimes it simply means refusing to let pain continue to define your future.
At the end of the day, I believe many of us are seeking the same thing: a personal relationship with God and the hope of dwelling in His presence forever.
Our paths may look different.
Our understanding may evolve.
But leaving a religion does not always mean abandoning faith.
Sometimes it means finding God again!
Learning to ask difficult questions became part of my life journey, and I’ve realized critical thinking matters in far more areas of life than religion alone. Stay tuned to next weeks blog on this subject.
