The holidays are meant to be a time of joy, laughter, and family, but when someone you love is missing, it can feel like the air’s been pulled out of the room. The absence is noticeable, the memories are bittersweet, and sometimes, the guilt of enjoying the holidays while grieving feels unbearable.
I know this feeling all too well. Since my mom passed in 2020, every holiday has carried a quiet ache. Her favorite dishes, her spunky attitude, her laugh, all of it used to make me tear up. But over time, those memories began to bring comfort too. I can smile now because I was blessed to have her and to know she lived a good, full life.
When my nephew passed in 2024, it was different. His life was cut short, and that kind of loss doesn’t settle easily. We have his daughter with us, though, and every time she smiles, I see him. It reminds me that even though grief changes shape, love remains.
We don’t “get over” loss. We learn to live with it.
And with time, we learn to honor our loved ones through our joy, not in spite of it.
Here are five gentle steps that can help honor those we miss during the holiday.
1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
You don’t have to pretend to be okay. The holidays often pressure us to be cheerful, but grief doesn’t follow a calendar. Some days will hurt more than others, and that’s okay.
Allow yourself to cry, reminisce, or even laugh unexpectedly. Feelings don’t cancel each other out; sadness and gratitude can exist in the same breath.
🕯 Tip: Set aside a quiet moment, light a candle, write a letter to your loved one, or speak to them in prayer. Acknowledging your emotions releases the weight you carry silently.
2. Keep Traditions That Comfort You, and Create New Ones
Sometimes, keeping every tradition feels too painful. It’s okay to simplify or reimagine them.
Maybe you still make your mom’s favorite dish, or maybe you try something new that honors who she was.
Traditions don’t have to stay frozen in time; they can evolve to fit your heart today.
🌲 Try this: Create a small “memory ornament” or a place setting to honor your loved one. It’s a gentle way to include them without overwhelming yourself.
3. Release the Guilt of Feeling Joy
This one is hard. You might find yourself laughing and suddenly feeling guilty for it, as if happiness dishonors their memory.
But joy isn’t betrayal. Joy is evidence of the love they gave you. It’s what they would want for you. I take on the responsibility of keeping my mom and nephews memories alive in the next generations. They deserve to know who they were. So sharing memories, speaking of them is important to me and it’s important to them as well.
💛 Remember: Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means allowing your heart to expand enough to hold both the love and the loss.
4. Lean on Your Support System
Grief can feel isolating, especially when others seem to have moved on. Don’t hesitate to lean on family, friends, or even professional support.
Sometimes just talking about your memories can bring unexpected comfort. And if you’re struggling, therapy or a grief support group can make a difference. I often ask my patients, “tell me something they did that made you laugh”. The first expression on their face is a smile when they have that memory.
📚 Helpful resource: Grief and the Holidays – American Psychological Association
5. Find Small Ways to Honor Their Life
Honor doesn’t have to be elaborate. It can be something simple but meaningful, lighting a candle, playing their favorite song, donating to a cause they cared about, or writing their name in your gratitude journal. I will be hanging an ornament in their honor. And they will be getting a Christmas tree at the cemetery because they are included in my holiday traditions.
The goal isn’t to erase sadness but to turn it into a softer, more bearable kind of love.
Final Thoughts
Grief doesn’t disappear; it changes shape. Some years it feels lighter, others heavier. But every memory, every tear, and every smile is proof of love that still exists.
This holiday, let yourself feel it all, the sorrow, the gratitude, the laughter that slips through your tears. You’re not moving on; you’re moving forward, carrying their love with you.
