Grief is our last act of love
Today is my mom’s 91st birthday. She is celebrating in heaven. Reminiscing on our memories and the time we had together is helpful on a day like today. I am no longer saddened when I think of her, although I miss her dearly. I now smile and remember the funny times we shared. She was unintentionally funny and had an dramatic reaction for so many things which we always teased her about. Her quick unfiltered responses were something I may always cherish. She taught me so manythings including how to trust God in gard times which I started practicing early on. My mom was special in so many ways and what I have come to recognize is that she was the only parent I ever had that truly loved me.
She was not my biological mother. My biological mother was unable to raise her daughters due to her struggles with addiction and mental health issues. My mom adopted me at the age of 4 and my sister at the age of 3. However, she was by every definition of the word my “real mother”. She nurtured my sister and I and demonstrated what love truly meant. Before adopting us, she had an aspiring career and was hoping to become a well-known actress. She worked in theatre many years but let that all go to devote herself to us. Later, she got a job at the private school she sent us to just to be close and watch us. My mom was very protective.
She encouraged me
Looking back, I realize she had encouraged me at a very young age to become a nurse. Although I know that was my calling and purpose in life, I will admit she planted that seed. My first job in the medical field was at an assisted living facility. There, I learned to work and understand Alzheimer patients. I learned about the stages of this disease and how devastating it is not only for the patient but also the family. The memorry that stuck with me was seeing a daughter visit her mom once and she told me “That woman you see is no longer my mom, my mom is gone”, I couldn’t understand it.
The start of my career
Later in my career I worked as a Hospice Nurse. Helping people with terminal illness transition to the afterlife with dignity. I consoled family members as they parted forever with their loved ones, parents, spouse, sibling or child. I learned that all stages in life are significant and this last one requires grace, love, mercy and compassion.
Life lessons
As life would have it, it was my turn to use the knowledge and skills I learned on myself and my family. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and the stages began. It pained my soul to know what was coming. I was prepared with knowledge but was not prepared emotionally. Is it easier to know what is coming or is it easier not to? Neither is easy, there are challenges with both mindsets. I was saddened as I watched her forget herself slowly and I laughed when she believed she was 10 years younger, although it warmed my heart for her to feel she was 10 years younger. The toll this takes on the family is overwhelming. In a close family we try and take care of our own and we did that for her. It wasn’t until the last stages of this illness that we had no choice but to place her in a skilled nursing facility. We all worked fulltime and she required 24 hour care. I had called hospice to assist during this stage as well, since they would provide the extra much needed care for her and the family.
Hospice care
I learned as a Hospice Nurse not to wait until the end stage Call them early to get the most benefit. Admittedly, this was the most heartbreaking and difficult decision we had to make. I made these decisions with love. Knowing she would get quality care allowed my heart to rest easy although, I never truly relaxed. Slowly, she stopped walking, stopped eating and she withered away. My sister and I would visit frequently. I remember walking into the room and seeing her eyes light up as she showed recognition but was unable to remember my name. I held her hand and caught her up on the “novellas and tv gossip” since this is what she enjoyed. We surrounded her with love and slowly said goodbye.
A loss is a loss
I can’t say if it’s easier to lose a loved one suddenly or watch them slowly slip away. Neither are easy but there is a sense of agony and grief that is present when the process is prolonged. You are praying, hoping and wishing for a miracle, while also knowing what the ultimate ending will be. Additionally, You hope for a quiet, peaceful transition while also yearning for more time. Somedays, You want to have happy memories and have a celebration of life, while your heart is as broken as can be and has no desire to celebrate. It is during this time you realize when people say “heartbreak” they literally mean “heartbreak” because my heart hurt. My heart was in physical pain when I knew I would never be able to dance with my mama again.
The truth about dementia
As a nurse who worked in Hospice and had been trained with Alzheimer’s patients, I knew what was happening. I had the comprehension, knowledge and expertise to manage this. But as a daughter, the child in me cried and wished it all away. I went through the stages just as anyone else. I bargained, was angry, faced moments of denial, faced depression, until I reached acceptance. The hardest parts were knowing I could not fix this despite my background and knowledge. I lost my mom before she was able to celebrate me finishing my master’s degree in nursing. The reality of not being abe to celebrate this big accomplishment with the person who planted the seed. Today, I work with mental health patients. In hindsight I can see how my career came full circle.
My comfort
Since early on, I believe God had placed me in certain roles and positions to prepare me. I am thankful for this. I am also grateful for the mom He gave me and having her help build me into the person I am today. When I think about the obstacles I overcame, I often wonder how I did it. Then I read about a study that showed how resilient people usually have someone pouring love into them which counteracts the abuse or trauma they experience during childhood. I realized my mom was that person. It was because of her and my God almighty that I rose above the hardship and challenges and am now able to help others overcome theirs.
Missing you always
Happy Birthday mom, I will forever miss you! You will always live in my heart. Thank you for loving me the way you did. Your love stays with me even from beyond.
Your daughter
